End of the decade ramblings! Happy New Year 2020!

It’s that time of the year.  The time where everyone is posting their Top Nines on Instagram, reflecting on another orbit around the Sun and the ending of another decade.

This time ten years ago I wasn’t blogging, it was the weird interim between Myspace blogging and WordPress blogging. Are the MySpace blogs still out there? Cue tumbleweed.

In Christmas 2009 I had just completed my first ever semester in college (Music Production in Ballyfermot). Black Daisy was long in the history book as the last gig was in December 2008, in Dolan’s Warehouse, Limerick. I didn’t know that then! While I did involve myself in other music performance projects for a little while (the two-piece acoustic Shock Sorrow 2009-14, the rock band Aztaria 2010-11, the rockabilly covers band the Full Moon Boogie Band 2012-13 and the gospel choir 2013-16), I haven’t played onstage during the latter half of the decade.

Do I miss it? No.

I noticed towards the end of Black Daisy, in fact I can remember the very gig, where I started feeling anxiety onstage. It was during our You’re a Star bootcamp shenanigen, when we played in the wee bar in Knockanstocken (I’m 99% sure it was part of the You’re a Star bootcamp, maybe I’m wrong, but definitely late 2007). I remember being up there thinking to myself “What the hell am I doing up here?” and feeling completely out of place. That feeling continued for every gig since. I didn’t realise it then either, that what I (and everyone else) thought was just “oddballness” was my anxiety manifesting itself in a different way.

So instead of the full blown rock n roll antics of the 00s, the 10s saw me going to college and edu-macating myself in music production. I excelled in Ballyfermot 09-11, academically and personally, as I felt embraced my classmates and lecturers. I definitely belonged there at that time. Then DkIT straight after that 11-15 where I definitely improved my skills and academics but also reclused back into myself. I didn’t experience the warm feeling of Ballyfermot there but I did make friends, some of which I still see from time to time.

Then there was the 2 weird years in between the degree and the masters. I was too burned out to jump straight into a masters as I put my heart into my work and got the grade I longed for but the absence of routine and like-minded people affected me. I stopped playing music but The Corrs came back and that took my mind off most matters as I went to as many concerts as possible and made friends along the way. That was fun.

I came back to DkIT to start my masters as a rattling shaking mess of nerves. I found postgraduate life very difficult and to be honest, there isn’t enough talk going on about postgraduate stress as I didn’t know about it until it hit me. The funny thing is, it doesn’t come from school, it comes from yourself. I wanted to ace postgraduate life like I did during my undergraduate years but then, I put massive pressure on myself to excel. I stopped believing in myself and my dissertation topic. I had months were I stopped altogether. Sitting around, feeling guilty for doing nothing yet throwing up when I thought about sitting at my computer or opening a book. Wouldn’t you think an award-winning graduate student who once volunteered to ease in First Year undergrads would know about who to approach for mental counselling? I didn’t. The professional I did talk to (and ultimately helped me) ended up fighting with me for some of it (I’m frightfully stubborn). I came to understand a good bit during this period and I think I’m getting better. Some kind hearts helped me along the way and made sure to check in on me, most days of every week. I know who they are. Thank you especially R and C!

What was most noticeable about the 10s was the swap from the stage to the sound desk. I found myself setting up mics for high-profile sound engineers, gulping back nerves as I set up for acclaimed Irish traditional and folk musicians.  Then I found myself behind the desk, making sure the shows ran smoothly. The first few were absolutely bonkers as my nerves were rattling like billy-oh “I don’t belong here, this is not my scene” but lo and behold, I settled in. The same familiar faces were pouring in the doors, sitting in their favourite seats, “Hiya Stephanie!” smiling at me, and oh my goodness did that make me feel nice. I still get nerves before every show, still get sick most mornings of gigs but once I get the gear set up and running, the rest is a doddle.

Now I’m fast approaching the end of my masters, with only weeks of heavy thesis writing left before the shower of corrections and re-drafts before submission and hopefully, graduation. 2020 will be the year I dance out of DkIT feeling finally accomplished. 2020 will be the year I get more traction on my music production life, be it as a sound engineer or otherwise. 2020 will be the year people stop thinking about me as a performer and more as sound engineer. 2020 will be the year I will go on a holiday. And will be the year I will not feel guilty about doing nothing.

I realise all that anxiety/mental health stuff sounds very “first world problems hun”. I’m entirely grateful for my good health, my families’ health, my nice house, my fluffy kitties, the opportunity to study, the opportunity to work in music, and for my lovely circle of friends.

Below is a collection of my favourite moments from 2019:

The couple of days I spent with my Australian friends Rachel, Chris and Ruby, I took them on a whirlwind tour of the North East and Rachel and I partied in Dublin seeing Sharon Corr in concert.

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My Charlie is so ridiculously cute and snuggly ❤❤❤

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Adopting Charlie to be the purrfect borfur for Rírá. Char is a muffin.

Oh my, the Tom Hardy look-alike in Aberdeen. ‘Nuff said.

Nailing two tickets for Rammstein for 2020, bring on the Feuerzone!!!! RZK I’m comin’ 4 ya.

The rainy Sunday we spent at Barmeath, the old castle we could see peeping through the trees from the basketball court of primary school and wondered what it was like. Now I know. More magical than expected.

Fostering Jimi kitten, the 6-week old tabby who was rescued from behind the billboards on George’s St. He came into my care on my birthday (808 day also International Cat Day). He didn’t want to go back to the rescue centre for adoption and shacked up with us. He’s brilliant.

Working at this was massive.

Doing sound for Kevin Conneff was also massive. He’s a perfect gentleman.

Racing down to Dublin with my Mum to meet Andrea Corr for her book signing. Andrea was a dream and so very nice. We were too shy to ask for a photo though!

Meeting Sal Abruscato before A Pale Horse Named Death gig in Dublin. The gig was simply amazeballs.

Meeting Jim Corr (for a third time in my life), taking my Mum and hearing him play in an intimate venue with the lushious violin playing of Liam Monagher. I could have listened to them both forever. Stunning.

Getting lamped with my work friend at a great wedding, it was mighty craic! 

And of course, receiving this awesome edit of Charlie on my beloved DX7! Thanks Rach!!!!

 

Happy New Year 2020 to you!

Steffy x

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